Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Moldova


Part 11 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest takes us to Chișinău, and don’t ask me to pronounce that, I can’t. Cristina Scarlat can, but can she win this thing for Moldova? Let’s find out!

Artist: Cristina Scarlat

Song: “Wild Soul”

Analysis: Let’s get this out of the way first: what the fuck is this chick wearing? I thought we escaped the Thunderdome. Okay, that’s out of my system, to the music. First off: dark and depressing  yet again. I guess that’s par for the course. The song itself is just bad. It’s such a dubstep wannabe without going all the way. Scarlat has a lovely husky voice, it’s just a shame that it’s wasted on this song. It’s also a shame that she stays in such a narrow range of notes until her power note where I swear she’s either off key, or the song is written deliberately in the most awkward way ever.

Verdict: Yeah, this is going nowhere. She doesn’t make the finals, and even if she did (and she’s not, but let’s say she did) she will clock in towards the bottom of the pack.


Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Belgium


Part 10 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest takes us to Brussels where Axel Hirsoux is looking to turn his defeat on the Belgian version of The Voice: into sweet Eurovision victory.

Artist: Axel Hirsoux

Song: “Mother”

Analysis: All obvious jokes aside, this dude can sing. It is (yet another) slow, depressing song, even though it is an ode to his mother. This is not my cup of tea, and ironically the last few artists that have tried semi-operatic songs that I have liked, they have failed miserably even though they killed it. (Yes, those artists were better vocalists than Axel here, but not by too terribly much). Other than that, he does what he does best, doesn’t try to get fancy with it, just delivers.

Verdict: I’m of mixed mind here. When I first listened to this, I basically laughed it out of the semis. On second listen, all things being equal, I can make a case for it getting into the finals, but I really don’t see it going too far. It needs more life to it. Plus, if it swings back to a guy being a winner (and we’re “due”) there are better songs out there with equally, if not better, vocalists.

Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Ukraine


Part 9 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest and it’s time to get Kiev all up in this piece! Maria Yaremchuk is in the house and she’s got her eye on the prize. Can she pull it off?

Artist: Mariya Yaremchuk

Song: “Tick-Tock”

Analysis: Well…I really don’t know where to start. The lyrics are simpler than American pop (that’s an insult…to American pop even). I’m not sure if there are coherent lyrics other than “tick-tock tick tick tock tock tock”. Musically, this would not be a bad song…if someone else sang it. Yaremchuk has a range, but shouts all over it. Here is where sticking to a narrow range of notes would have worked to her advantage. Also, it would have helped if she dropped the song down maybe half an octave, or perhaps changed keys. One last note, she tries to sound seductive (and look seductive). She failed.

Verdict: I don’t really see how this song makes it into the finals. The greatest stroke of vindictive karmic payback would see Russia getting bounced in favor of this track, but that would actually be a robbery. As much as I talked smack about Putin in yesterday’s breakdown, the Tolmachevy Sisters don’t deserve that kind of a beat.

Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Russia


Part 8 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest means it’s time to see if Russia can earn itself another ESC, cheat their way to one, or take the Putin route: invade and annex. The Tolmachevy Sisters are Junior Eurovision champs, but this is the big leagues now. Can they handle the heat?

Artist: Tolmachevy Sisters

Song: “Shine”

Analysis: After weeks of searching for this song, I’ve finally found the music video (yesterday) and while it’s marked “official” on youtube, I see no Eurovision logo. The song itself is musically okay. The vocals are sweet and poppy. Neither of them slides off key, all of the notes that need to be hit are. Nothing complicated, nothing that these ladies can’t handle. The lyrics are ironically hypocritical for the major reason listed in the Verdict section below. The major musical issue for me is that, once again, I don’t have a live version of this, so what they *really* sound like, I do not know. I did find some live clips of them from 2011, and they suggest that they sound pretty good live, but that was then, and this is now.

Verdict: This one is really difficult for multiple reasons. The song by itself makes the finals, but I can’t really place it after that. Why is that, other than the fact that the song is pure vanilla? First off, I don’t have a live version of their song. Secondly, it’s a middle of the pack song, so it all depends on the live performance, but here’s the real problem: Internally, Russia was implicated last year with trying to fix the televote for them using Azerbaijan as the broker. The lid was blown when the Azeris didn’t hit Russia back with their 12 points and the Russians were all “WTF, mate?”. Externally, Vladmir Putin is a cyka. A major league asshole who is seriously pissing off the rest of Europe. Expect Ukraine to throw shade, along with western Europe, and that’s even assuming Russia will be “allowed” to compete. Both mean that these women (I got chastised for using the word “chicks”) are gonna get politically screwed for something they had no hand in. Why couldn’t this have happened to that no talent fuck Dima Bilan in 2009?

Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Sweden


Part 7 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest means it’s time to hit up Stockholm to see what Sanna Nielsen’s got. Stockholm has seen action before, but not recently. Let’s see if Sanna can do it:

Artist: Sanna Nielsen

Song: “Undo”

Analysis: You know, Sanna is a good singer, (singing by herself, by the way), and the song itself is good enough to make a run. I’m especially imagining it sped up with a vocal trance track on the back. My only doubt is if she can pull off the trick she does on the word ‘undo’. She’s putting a different note on each of the five counts she sings it, but I don’t know if her voice has either the range or the flexibility between the notes she’s trying to do to pull it off without sounding squeaky or off key. She is pretty hot though, but then again she’s a young Swede. That’s like me saying that chocolate chip cookies are good.

Verdict: Sanna’ll make the finals relatively easily. If she stabilizes that one word, she will be a major threat. She should make top ten, even make a good push for five. As it stands she’s hovering around the three spot in my book.

Now Playing: Biorhythm Mix (29 Lines Mix)

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Lotsa crap happening means that it’s time for me to drop a new playlist! It has been in development for a while now, but I am proud to release the latest in the Biorhythm series: 29 Lines Mix!

Name Game: This one is real simple. We keep a spreadsheet of calls taken at my job, so one line for every birthday.

Temporality: Evening/Night. This isn’t a mainroom/bigroom mix, but it is a good party starter. A “I just got off work on a late shift Friday, am in bar clothes and am ready to start it up” list

Notable Tracks: Not realizing that this was going to be a short list, I totally just picked the best three and did them up in the Beta post, thus, I refer you back to it.


  1. The Cloudy Day – “Aurora (Original Mix)”
  2. The Cloudy Day – “Aurora (Abandoned Rainbow Mix)”
  3. Above & Beyond – “Alone Tonight”
  4. Inva – “Lonely Tonight”
  5. Juventa – “Stella Polare”
  6. Oxygen feat. Andrea Britton – “Am I On Your Mind (Flashtech Remix)”
  7. Tiesto – “Adagio for Strings (James Dymond Rework)”
  8. Simon O’Shine – “Wuthering Heights”
  9. Mat Zo feat. Rachel K. Collier – “Only for You”
  10. Myon & Shane 54 & Cole Plante feat. Ruby O’Dell – “If I Fall”
  11. Driftmoon & Andy Bluman feat. DSharp – “Leviticus”
  12. Blende – “Rikki (Le Crayon Remix)”
  13. Atella – “The Monster (Original Mix)”

Happy Listening!

Eurovision Song Contest: Copenhagen 2014 – Latvia


Part 6 of our 39 part run up to the start of the Eurovision Song Contest means it’s Riga’s turn to step up and jockey itself for that oh so special prize of hosting next year’s ESCs. Aarzemnieki (don’t ask how to say it, I’m amazed I could copy and paste spell it) has been tapped to do the job, let’s see if they’re up to the task.

Artist: Aarzemnieki

Song: “Cake to Bake”

Analysis: So, when this guy says that he’s got a cake to bake, and he’s got no clue at all, I assume that the cake is weed, baking it is taking bong rips, and yes, they’ve got no freaking clue at all. This is probably the cheesiest, hokiest song in the entire contest. If the guy wasn’t breathing the words through his nose the whole time, and actually demonstrated a range, it may have been salvageable, but not quite so much as it is.

Verdict: Nope, no shot. No shot at all. Doesn’t get out of the semis. If it does, then Satan will have a new soul to screw with. I just hope he doesn’t get too much of a contact high from this dude